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Published: Irish Times, March 15th 2008

“East Mayo’s best kept secret…”

“Boasts picturesque meat factory and rendering plant. Car park an ideal location for pulling hand-break turns…” Read the rest of this article here.

My stand-up gig

This was my first and, I’m glad to say, only ever stand-up comedy performance, recorded exactly a year ago today for a Vodafone campaign. I still reckon that, on a minute-by-minute basis, I might actually be the highest grossing comedian of all time. (Eat shit, Seinfeld.) But I’m not in a rush to ever do it again.

“In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war…”

It is the year 40,000 A.D. Across a cratered landscape, amid swirling mists, two mutant armies prepare to do battle. The stage is set for Armageddon…

Well, not quite. It’s Thursday evening in the Games Workshop on Dublin’s Liffey Street, where a dozen or so maladjusted male teens and twentysomethings are slugging it out on tabletop sci-fi and fantasy games. The games have names like Warhammer, Lord of the Rings and World of Warcraft. Read the rest of this entry »

They’re calling it Ireland’s Mount Rushmore. Honest.

Window display in Counter Propaganda, South King St. entitled “The Wealth of a Nation is its People.” The creators are speaking figuratively, I hope. Right now, I’m worth about 25p! (P.S. With thanks to Counter Propaganda for flattering me absurdly and to Rosemary MacCabe for spotting this and sending me the photo.)

When I tell my mother I’ll get home for the weekend, I get home for the weekend…

Extreme weather conditions in Mayo right now. I almost turned back at one point. But at the end of the day, I really, really needed someone to do my laundry for me.

The March of the Wooden Soldiers

Forever let this place be a cry of despair
And a warning to humanity, where the Nazis
murdered about one and a half million men,
women and children, mainly Jews,
from various countries of Europe”
Inscription at Auschwitz-Birkenau Read the rest of this article here.

This is funny

My new aftershave smells like breadcrumbs. Read the rest of this entry »

Published: Irish Times, April 19 2008

“When Jimmy comes to Ireland he likes to have the crack. But Alex… Alex was crazy!”

“Make a bridge hand,” he orders. “Get your elbow flat on the table.” I hastily comply. He nods. “That’s better.” Seamus Brereton has been playing snooker competitively since the age of sixteen. In his day, he represented Ireland and got to know many of the sport’s biggest names.

Today he competes on the Over-40s circuit and coaches youngsters in his native Edenderry. “The parents know the kids are safe when they’re in the club. It’s not like years ago where snooker halls had a bad reputation. Those days are long gone.”

Gone perhaps, but not forgotten. When snooker legend Jimmy White visits Ireland, Seamus still acts as his driver, practice partner and unofficial minder. “When Jimmy comes to Ireland, he likes to have the crack. He enjoys himself. But Alex… Alex was crazy.” Read the rest of this entry »

Miscellaneous Amusing Items I Come Across #49

Apologies for the irregular updating (and frequent re-posts) on blog in the last week. I’ve just moved apartment and, for the time being, am stuck on crappy mobile broadband. For now, you can always follow me on Twitter. Yesterday, for reasons I still don’t entirely understand (I think it had to do with the property crash) someone posted this alluring image.

I’m an ideas man.

Ideas are my currency. If I’m in a clothes shop and I find a pair of pants I like, I’ll walk up to the counter and suggest the names of songs I think might make good ringtones. For two weeks in the Canaries I’d probably stump up the basis for a workable post-war settlement in Iraq. If I’m owed change, I’ll ask the travel agent how he gets the pistachios out of the closed shells and be on my way. That’s how it works. I’m an ideas man.

Sadly though, a lot of my ideas turn out not to be very good. Or they’re good but I can’t quite get them to work. Or they’re brilliant but I have no fucking clue what to do with them. You see, I’m not really a can-do, know-how, bobs-yer-uncle sort of man… I’m more of an ideas man. Read the rest of this article.