I’M RICH… RICH BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS!* | Tripping Along The Ledge

Eoin Butler: writer, journalist and Mayoman of the Year

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I’M RICH… RICH BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS!*

P_DIDDY
(*Disclaimer #1: My dreams aren’t very wild. Disclaimer #2: I don’t know if I’ve ever actually had a dream about money.) But fuck it, if you’ve ever been tempted to abduct, murder and rob me of every penny I’ve got, now would definitely be the time to do it. How did this unfathomable change of fortune come about? To be honest, I don’t know exactly. As previously mentioned here, I have a strict policy of never checking my bank balance or opening any letter on which my address is not handwritten. That has tended to work only to my disadvantage – until recently.

Tonight, for reasons too boring to go in to, I had to check into my online banking service thing. (Basically, I had to transfer some money to someone… which I ended up not being able to do because I needed a little pocket calculator-like device they claim to have sent out to me… Well, that was never going to happen.) But when I saw my balance, let’s just say I was pleasantly flabbergasted. We’re talking four figures. In fact, we’re talking enough money that I could buy a small hatchback motor car, pay for it in cash, and still have enough to make rent this month. For me at least, this is Mr Burns territory.

It probably has something to do with the fact that I renounced alcohol a couple of months ago. It would appear that that the costs associated with drinks, taxis, carry outs, eating out every day for weeks on end and throwing out food I’ve purchased in the supermarket because I wasn’t at home to eat it…. does all add up over time. In fact, when you take these things away, it would appear that I have virtually no other outgoing expenses.

So what’ll I do now? I dunno… I’ll get my mother something nice for Christmas. And I might consider buying a third pair of trousers. But beyond that, I reckon I’ll just sit tight and do nothing – safe in the knowledge that my newfound riches will most likely evaporate as inexplicably as they first accumulated.

November 20th, 2009.

8 Responses to “I’M RICH… RICH BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS!*”

  1. Smiley Says:

    There was one night u were out butler, u were locked and u punched a gard and they were goin to take u to the cop shop but i paid them off. 500 quid. U have my email.

  2. Matt Says:

    Everyone you know doing Movember is going to hit you up for money now.

  3. han shan Says:

    We know where you live, we know how much money is in your account. Now if you could just give us your account pin number and password that’d be lovely!!

  4. Eoin Says:

    @ Matt – they already have I think.

    @ HS – no you don’t

    @ Smiley – oh me and my guard punching ways….

  5. Adrian Says:

    Dear Mr Butler Sir,

    sorry to disturb your precious time. long story short – Nigerian lotery, need money to claim it, please send four-figure sum to Cork.

  6. Eoin Says:

    Nigerian lottery, eh? Well that’s win-win for us both. It’s true what they say – it takes money to make money!

  7. massey Says:

    Four figures, eh? With that kind of money you could open up a Mayo Football School of Excellence – maybe teach a few teenager how to kick a ball straight!

  8. El Kid Says:

    ” I might consider buying a third pair of trousers”…

    Do man, seriously. Wearing coulottes the other five days of the week not a good look – i’ve been telling you for years.

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