Eoin Butler: writer, journalist and Mayoman of the Year

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Los Ballyhaunis Galácticos [Updated]

09-06-15-real-madrid-ronaldo-kaka
Flying out to Madrid this afternoon. There’s intense speculation I’m being offered a multimillion euro contract to link up with Ronalda and Kaka at the Bernabéu. I can neither confirm nor deny these rumours. There may also be rumours that I’m actually going on a pretty tame weekend break with my mother. Again, I can neither confirm nor deny those rumours. (Sufficed to say, if its anything like our Roman jolly in October, well, I’m in for a rollercoaster ride. Of Mass.) P.S. Before I go, a teaser: My sister Clare got me a birthday present yesterday. But before she could buy it, she had to ask for my PPS number. She won’t tell me what the present is until I get back. But she’s definitely not paying my taxes for me. She has a history of buying off the wall presents for people, but this one has me completely stumped. Anyone any ideas?

P.P.S. I’m not a proud man. So if anyone does fancy paying my taxes for me, by all means get in touch!

UPDATED: To be fair to Real, they really rolled out the red carpet. Promised my mother a swanky apartment…
palace
…And both of us all the cured hams we could eat.
jambons
But I was alike, “Dude, I need regular first team football…”
benchwarmer
And my mother was like “Fuck you, Ricky Martin… Momma’s gettin’ her smoke on!”
smoke on
It wasn’t to be, then.

Re: Clare and PPS number
Incredibly, Leeona got this one right on the very first guess. Clare and I are going in to get our teeth cleaned on some government scheme or other. Details vague at this point. As Winston Churchill might have put it, it’s a mystery, wrapped in an insult, wrapped in a birthday present.

February 18th, 2010.

16 Responses to “Los Ballyhaunis Galácticos [Updated]”

  1. leeona Says:

    Free teeth cleaning and check up…ooooh.
    Tax back on your bins ??

  2. Eoin Says:

    I don’t think I have bins, Leeona. Actually I don’t know what happens to our refuse at all. That’d be more yer man’s end of things!

  3. El Kid Says:

    She’s selling your identity to Mossad. Who knows where you’ll strike next!

  4. Eoin Says:

    Interesting but I doubt it. Mossad know not to fuck with me.

  5. Eddie Says:

    She could be volunteering you for an audit from the revenue. I’m sure you’ve nothing to hide.

  6. leeona Says:

    So your filling up the back garden and moving again !

  7. padraig Says:

    My money’s on a medical card.

    Which, when you think about it, is a pretty savage present.

  8. Lisa Says:

    Television licence? Marriage licence? Joining the Army Reserves?

  9. massey Says:

    Your being parachuted in as Fine Gaels latest celebrity candidate in Dublin South bi-election

  10. Fat Tony Says:

    I’m outraged that my hard earned wages are going to pay to clean your nicotine stained molars. Takin the piss or what?

  11. Eoin Says:

    @ Fat Tony – I don’t smoke!

  12. leeona Says:

    Brilliantly put.. its a special knack of people from the west to blatantly insult ya while being friendly – “aren’t you a fine lump of a girl” being case and point.. My Granny is a pro..

  13. Eoin Says:

    My Granny does exactly the same thing. Last time she said, “Well you’re looking very prosperous there, Eoin!” And I said “Ah, thanks Granny!”

    Then I was caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My jeans were threadbare, my runners had holes in them and I was wearing a sweatshirt I’ve had since secondary school.

    That’s when it dawned on me. She means I’m fat.

  14. Conal Says:

    cash for canines, one of the more inventive simulus programmes. cheaper than cervical cancer vaccinations anyway. that shit would take years to feed back into the tax pool. i don’t think i even have a cervicum.

  15. Eoin Says:

    @ Conal – huh?

    @ Leeona – don’t think I gave you sufficient credit here for (a) quite incredibly guessing what my sister was getting me on the very first go and (b) also correctly guessing what my refuse containment plan for the new house is. Fair play on both counts!

  16. Conal Says:

    Yeah not a lot of that made sense on second reading.

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