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MY TOP TIPS FOR 2010

2010
Cogent Housekeeper
In 2009, Cogent Housekeeper dropped an atomic fucking bomb on dancefloors from Paris to Phnom Penh. This year, expect to see the tween-psychobilly duo blaze a trail through the arpeggiated nuclear winter that follows in its wake. Love them or hate them, there’ll be no ignoring Neville Cornflake and his trusty sidekick Derek “The Tractor Lawnmower” Gonzales. Craic Cocaine
From violent origins in the projects of Detroit and Philly, to its emergence as the designer drug of choice among rockers and fashionistas, the rise and rise of craic cocaine is expected to be one of the major stories of 2010. Users report nausea, cramps, vomiting, hallucinations and shouting “Yeeeeeeeeeeooooooow!” inappropriately at regular intervals.

Slinky 2.0
A modern reworking of the iconic toy and the must-have accessory of 2010. Slinky 2.0 doesn’t just travel up staircases and around corners, it can also be used to check your emails and browse the internet. In 2010, you’re going to look pretty stupid if you don’t have a coiled, web-enabled, helical spring in your pocket. Trust me.

Celebrity Violence
Things have been relatively calm in showbiz circles of late. But 2010 may just be be the year the gloves finally come off. According to celebrity experts, we’ll be seeing a dramatic upsurge in dead arms, Chinese burns and compass stabbings, a A-listers start settling scores… old school.

Ollie Higgins
Kidnapped by pirates, framed for plectrum theft and seriously injured while rescuing a kitten from a tree… Yes, there’s no doubt 2009 was a year to forget for Ollie Higgins. But the veteran troubadour will be looking to put his troubles firmly behind him in 2010: a year many industry insiders expect to see him make a major chart breakthrough. First stop? A one-off gig aboard a specially reconstructed Zeppelin airship. Up, up and away, Ollie!

December 31st, 2009.

10 Responses to “MY TOP TIPS FOR 2010”

  1. Darragh Says:

    Awww fuck slinky 2.0 has me in stitches. Tell Ollie not to forget his zippo going into that zeppelin. You never know when they might be of use.

  2. Eoin Says:

    The only people laughing Darragh will be your peers, at you, if you don’t buy it!

  3. El Kid Says:

    Ah shit this always happens…I’ve been talking about Cogent Housekeeper for years and now you jump on the bandwagon butler!

  4. Darragh Says:

    Sadly enough, I’d probably buy a slinky 2.0

  5. golden graham Says:

    Any ideas where I can buy tickets for Ollie Higgins zeppelin gig Eoin? I can think of a few people I’d like to send along!

  6. David Says:

    Good old Ollie, what a maverick!

  7. fintan mezz Says:

    I was going to suggest an A Team movie, just to satarise Hollywoods obsession with recycling old, not that good in the first place ideas. Reading today’s paper it seems someone beat me to the punch!

  8. Eoin Says:

    @ EK – sorry, I owe you so much

    @ Darragh – and why wouldn’t you?

    @ gg – contact your local agent

    @ David – I think he’d play next year’s Trinity Freshers Ball if you asked him nicely

    @ Fintan – way, waay behind

  9. David Says:

    I’m sure he’ll be offered far bigger events this year, especially if the airship gig goes well.

  10. SXSW: dispatches from the frontline | Tripping Along The Ledge Says:

    [...] among the 1,239 other acts I caught in the last 24 hours. But special praise must be lavished upon my top tip for 2010 – tween-psychobilly duo Cogent Housekeeper (whose debut album drops in April under the force [...]

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