Dublin

How to get the girl

THE POLISH GIRL with the tea trolley is trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. A tall, athletic young man in a tight-fitting black T-shirt is standing in the centre of Room 202. His hair is meticulously tousled and a tacky necklace pendant bobbles on his chest. He is a rising inter-county hurling star, but that wouldn’t ring any bells. She’s more likely to have noticed that he’s holding the hand of another (identically kitted-out) young man and leading him in a graceful twirl around on the spot.

On the far side of the room, a third boyband clone is filming the pair on a digital camcorder.

I couldn’t tell you exactly what this hotel worker is thinking. But I’d be very surprised if the words “gay porn” aren’t high up there in the mix. Read the rest of this article here.

Published: Irish Times, July 3 2011

A little ray of sunshine…

They say that, into each life, some rain must fall. Here in the Glasnevin Barber Shop, on a warm summer’s day, Arthur McGuinness is gleefully talking up a monsoon. The McGuinnesses have been cutting hair at this location, just opposite the National Botanic Gardens, since 1910. And mine are about to join some pretty illustrious floor sweepings.

Matt Talbot and Brendan Behan were both customers. Ditto Eamon De Valera. “He was bald on top,” recalls Arthur. “So he’d have had it very short.” The former Taoiseach’s family were also patrons. “The son was a lovely fella. Used to drive a pale blue Mercedes. He was a gynaecologist, big long fingers he had on him.” Read the rest of this entry »

I’m a pedestrian

You know the way some people are motorists, and some are cyclists, and others are, I dunno, innocent bystanders? Well I’m a pedestrian. I don’t walk for the exercise or the love of it or any of that crap. I walk because, for me, it’s the optimal method of getting from A to B. Not just that, there are all those extra little perks: no monthly payments, tax, or insurance. There are no timetables, parking spaces or unbecoming head gear of any type. It’s free like the Luas, except that this train leaves when I say it leaves. And – because there are no strikes, signal failures or traffic jams – it’s only late if I’m late.

There’s just one problem: there are no Rules of the Footpath. Honestly, it’s like the Wild West out there. Read the rest of this entry »

“I’m not necessarily making the comparison, but don’t Page 3 models usually say the same thing…?”

I’m sure they do and I’m sure they enjoy what they do, otherwise they wouldn’t do it. But their work is primarily oriented to a male audience and it’s done to elicit a sexual response. Burlesque is all about the trimmings, the sets, the costumes, the storyline. It’s about feeling sexy, but also showing the personality behind it.Read the rest of this article here.

Randomers: an apologia


By throwing-out time on a Friday night, the streets resemble a ripped seam or a Hieronymus Bosch painting come to life. The footpaths teem with swaying bodies and grimacing faces. Some are belligerent. Others are content. Others still are lovelorn. Most are drunk. And some… Well, some of us are peckish since you ask. In the bars and clubs from whence we were ejected, dim lighting encouraged coyness and prevarication. Here however, in the unforgiving glare of the late night florescent chip shop, conversations tend to be blunt and to the point. Read the rest of this entry »

Of all the juice bars in all the world…


“Barkeep. Hit me with a Blueberry Burst – and don’t spare the blueberry!” Read the rest of this article here.

They talk about cycling. They talk about swimming. They talk about baking.


Hot tub invitations are rarely proffered. But you know me. Where there is breeze, I’ll shoot it. Where there is fat, I’ll chew it. Read the rest of this article here.

Published: Irish Times, March 15th 2008

“East Mayo’s best kept secret…”


“Boasts picturesque meat factory and rendering plant. Car park an ideal location for pulling hand-break turns…” Read the rest of this article here.

“Christ it’s Hallowe’en again, isn’t it?”


Well, either that or war has broken out. Gunships are on the Liffey. The bombardment of Dublin city centre has commenced. No… I’ve checked the calendar. It’s Halloween alright. Read the rest of this article here.

Miscellaneous Amusing Items I Come Across #46


Fame is a fickle mistress, Idris. One moment you’re kingpin of the Barksdale organisation. The next Ray Shah is patting you on the back and offering a few pointers. More here.