george costanza

George Costanza’s Greatest Hits

1. “The Sea Was Angry That Day, My Friends” monologue (The Marine Biologist)
Jerry has set George up on a date. Since George is unemployed, Jerry (for some reason) has pretended that his friend is a marine biologist. During the date, George and his new love interest happen upon a beached whale. Earlier in the same episode, Kramer practices his drive by firing golf balls into the sea. Read the rest of this entry »

George Costanza’s Greatest Hits

1. “The Sea Was Angry That Day, My Friends” monologue (The Marine Biologist)
Jerry has set George up on a date. Since George is unemployed, Jerry (for some reason) has pretended that his friend is a marine biologist. During the date, George and his new love interest happen upon a beached whale. Earlier in the same episode, Kramer practices his drive by firing golf balls into the sea. Read the rest of this entry »

Meltdown on the Property Market

It’s official. The Irish property market is on the brink of collapse. All that you have ever worked for is about be lost in the abyss of a new economic Dark Age, made more sinister and protracted by the twisted lights of perverted lending practices. The time to panic has come and gone. Your dream home is worthless now. Forget about it, it’s gone. If you can find someone to swap you a Lost Series One DVD box set for it, then grab that lifeline and grab it fast.

There may, however, be a silver lining in all of this. Look at it this way. You’ve tried the path of prudence. You’ve scrimped and saved and prostituted your talent to a faceless corporation. You’ve poured your heart and soul into an inanimate lump of concrete because that’s what society told you to do. And where did it get you? Sat on the kerb with a Lost DVD box set and nowhere to watch it.

What sensible person could therefore object if, for your next move, you let yourself be guided, not by the strait jacket of conventional wisdom, but by some whimsical impulse of your deranged imagination? I bet you’ve never given any serious consideration to any of these five exciting living scenarios. If not, why not? Read the rest of this entry »

WHEN THE ALIENS COME, WHO’D YOU THINK THEY’RE GOING TO RELATE TO?

Today is International Baldness Day. There aren’t any Bald Pride Marches organised that I’m aware of. Nor are their any inspirational bald quotes to boost the morale of those of us who suffer this affliction. (To be honest, right now I’m more interested in finding out whether any of you can name the woman visible just to George Costanza’s left in the photograph above?) All the same, and in honour of the day that’s in it, I’ve given a fresh makeover to one of the more popular articles I’ve ever written.

Read the rest of this article here.

Published: Mongrel, December 2006

MELTDOWN ON THE PROPERTY MARKET

It’s official. The Irish property market is on the brink of collapse. All that you have ever worked for is about be lost in the abyss of a new economic Dark Age, made more sinister and protracted by the twisted lights of perverted lending practices. The time to panic has come and gone. Your dream home is worthless now. Forget about it, it’s gone. If you can find someone to swap you a Lost Series One DVD box set for it, then grab that lifeline and grab it fast.

There may, however, be a silver lining in all of this. Look at it this way. You’ve tried the path of prudence. You’ve scrimped and saved and prostituted your talent to a faceless corporation. You’ve poured your heart and soul into an inanimate lump of concrete because that’s what society told you to do. And where did it get you? Sat on the kerb with a Lost DVD box set and nowhere to watch it.

What sensible person could therefore object if, for your next move, you let yourself be guided, not by the strait jacket of conventional wisdom, but by some whimsical impulse of your deranged imagination? I bet you’ve never given any serious consideration to any of these five exciting living scenarios. If not, why not? Read the rest of this entry »

WHEN THE ALIENS COME, WHO’D YOU THINK THEY’RE GOING TO RELATE TO?

Today is International Baldness Day. There aren’t any Bald Pride Marches organised that I’m aware of. Nor are their any inspirational bald quotes to boost the morale of those of us who suffer this affliction. (To be honest, right now I’m more interested in finding out whether any of you can name the woman visible just to George Costanza’s left in the photograph above?) All the same, and in honour of the day that’s in it, I’ve given a fresh makeover to one of the more popular articles I’ve ever written.

Read the rest of this article here.