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Published: The Irish Times, April 28, 2012

Torres scores the winner? You’re having a laugh.

I FELT I HAD A MINOR personal stake in Champions League: Barcelona v Chelsea (TV3 and Sky Sports 2) on Tuesday night. Back in 1997, Chelsea’s caretaker manager Roberto Di Matteo was just another brash young Premiership star with an apartment in the middle of London. I was working on a construction site next door.

When he fluffed a penalty against Manchester United in the Charity Shield that summer, I saw fit to offer him some constructive criticism the next day. At the top of my voice. From across the road. (In my defence, I was 18.) He complained furiously to the site foreman, and I could easily have been fired. Fortunately, my boss was a West Ham supporter. I kept the job. Read the rest of this entry »

Published: Mongrel magazine, March 2004

Embrace Satan

Welcome to the the first in a series of commercial features (i.e. articles that look like real articles but are actually just a mutant form of advertising.) This month, we’ve teamed up with His Satanic Majesty, the Archangel Lucifer, to suckle upon his fiery teat and drink deep of his molten juices.

The forces of evil have never been as hip and youth oriented and we want you to get involved. Below you will find details of a fabulous offer open exclusively to our readers. But first here’s a personal message from Satan himself: Read the rest of this entry »