Eoin Butler: writer, journalist and Mayoman of the Year

Tripping Along The Ledge


Randomers: an apologia

white guy
By throwing-out time on a Friday night, the streets resemble a ripped seam or a Hieronymus Bosch painting come to life. The footpaths teem with swaying bodies and grimacing faces. Some are belligerent. Others are content. Others still are lovelorn. Most are drunk. And some… Well, some of us are peckish since you ask. In the bars and clubs from whence we were ejected, dim lighting encouraged coyness and prevarication. Here however, in the unforgiving glare of the late night florescent chip shop, conversations tend to be blunt and to the point. “I’m not going home with you” shrieks the orange-skinned girl at the counter next to me. “You’re a minger!” Ouch. To be fair to the object of her scorn, he did appear to be receiving some encouraging signals up to that point. But the time had obviously come from him to be let down gently. His friends react with thinly veiled glee.

I feel for the guy. I really do. But I can’t help reflecting that a few women over the years could have saved me a considerable amount of time and energy if they had only been as candid.

I study the menu. The nomenclature here is troubling. A Snack Box, for the uninitiated, consists of a deep fried chicken carcass, coated in breadcrumbs, garnished with a slab of scalding, partially-cooked chips and served in a greasy cardboard box. Precisely whose idea of a snack is that, one wonders? Michael Phelps? More problematic again is its elder sibling, the Family Box. That’s essentially the same dish, with additional deep fried body parts, served in a bucket. (Come on, bring the kids – we’ll make a weekend of it! Afterwards we’ll have a game of asbestos frisbee…)

I order the Snack Box for old time’s sake. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t delicious.

Her suitor banished, the young lady with the fake tan plonks down on the empty chair across the table from me, engrossed now in a conversation on her mobile phone. “It was a nightmare, a total nightmare” she’s telling someone. “Aoife got off with this Spanish guy and I was left chatting to these, like, total randomers.” The conversation continues in this vein for a minute or so. On one point, at least, she is quite emphatic. “The place was just full of randomers. It was a total nightmare.”

When she hangs up, I offer her a chip. She declines. “About what you were saying,” I begin. She glares at me. Yeah? “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I happen to be a randomer myself.” She shrugs. “We get an unfair press is all,” I tell her. “Now look, I’d the first to admit that we do occasionally barge into your photographs uninvited. It’s true. We’ve been known overstay our welcome at parties from time to time too. I’m not going to pretend these things don’t happen.”

“But don’t forget the other things we do” I continue. “We hand your wallet into Garda stations when you’re just about to cancel all your cards. We let you hang around with us at music festivals when you get separated from your friends. You’re not the most scintillating company, you know. But we do it anyway. And when you get lost and need directions somewhere, we’re always happy to oblige” She raises an eyebrow. “They may not be the best directions,” I concede. “They may even be the wrong directions. But dammit we do our best!”

We chow in silence for a moment or two. As she slurps her Diet Coke, I rather fancy she’s reexamining her attitudes toward her fellow human being. The phone rings again and she answers it, sounding very relieved to hear from hear from whoever is on the line. “Aoife, oh my God…! You’re where…? Oh, thank you Jesus… I’m in the chipper… Well, hurry will you… There’s some weird guy talking to me, I think he might be a mental case…”

Oh well, nothing ventured and all that…

February 7th, 2011.

8 Responses to “Randomers: an apologia”

  1. krossie Says:

    Shure Lady Sov. has even thrown down an anthemn for the randomers!


  2. Strong Opinions 1973 Says:


    people like this are the reason i cant get a job-who are they?

    one of them is alled bike curvyers.im sorry bike-well im not.

    thats not all,why cant -they all move to some sort of notting hill version and live there,or barcelona/berlin

    all of you-go-Paris?leave the jobs to me.brighton/brooklyn?yeah.paris

    paris in the springtime i dream od genie with the soft brown hairand i like ray tobin and john tobin and bay tobin.that is not my line it is tarzans.

    take another look at them.

    no do you know what this crowd of ghowls were doing last night or something-i was out-something they wont be doing when thery finally move to america a course.

    watching the superbowl.in the same way the worst yank will watch rugby.thats what was going on.

    the next time ireland are playing stad or something-stay there.

    maybe someone has walked off with her pint.


    like meeting cillian and hes waering sunglasses,he lives with iranians-one of them is not going to like me,sounds like something out of peace,an impostor in my own life.what i mean to say is there is only the illusion of good reason ive run into it many times-not a penny not a daim.i feel strange eating them bars-in no way is the irish chocolate market catered for-they sell shit nobody wants.

    the pints flow through me now might as well be spilling them in a river

    in time of course there will be no pints only blue pills-will there?but back to the nickname.pint is unhrealthy.iam too Will?no its grand its grand.thirsty now this weekend.really now that was an appropriate word-thirst.i look forward to meeting the reserved drier me in a few days,the one who wears a hat when its cold etc.

    awake long enough now to be weary,sore old legs face gone to shit unavoidable inevitable these are never good words when the mood dips iawsof.i might read this myself sometime in a nyway shape or form.but theres a break anyway when went before is happened i want to hear el cee dee soundsystem now will you run into the kitchen and find that for me-bah.yeah yeah having an affair,got my woman tucked away in times square,she blonde hair were having an affair woah woh well forget that.

    its hard to get to a new horizon now well well see
    this is a good example
    #are chefs artists anymore than footballers or surgeons no.is it worth erasing that?turn over is change.mickey mouse?head is light sad in places feels jaded but i know full well im awake.what signals are these?

    ive managed to confuse my body yet again altho ive no concept of a body im not elle mcpherson you know-i think you an miss daddy issues would make a perfect couple.

    certain people will scrub away-not me-ill soak myself but,baths now therell be baths goodo,btbtb.i dont see a bath as washing mind you,and in fairness its not,i wouldnt smoke hash in the bath either mind you-if im playing a trick on someone they always know.who are these tricksters the trick is only on themselves.loast time i was here i was on about hat shapes and sizes,havent much of a vocabulary now that i come to think of it,simpsonsd nearly trhrow me.

    god to be aware.you wont know this but that was written there for a whilej ust those seven letters.several reverend peterst.tahts soine thing they never say about predictive texts.ill pretend to be asleep which is something i love one of my top things,up there with pints chatting and gateaux.hard to top gateaux.theres an ad where a one dives into a cake,imagine if a fella mad a cake in the shape of a woman and started eating and riding it,id pay money to see that,about a tenner-eleven euro-there you go poshlost ride the cake,not a mahonys cake a nelligans cake!

    time for a commercial breaka gain ho ho oh fuck.but yeah,right well that really has broken the fourth wall.pipe down.ah relationships what is it,very delicate-thgis is taking from the -but ah the smell of hash do you get it.and theres

    this sentence has gardens in it-there will be fights you hate them?who are they when theyre happy and youre happy maybe its me is it me whats a pint?ah it depends on what time of day they all have different shades i hate you?john shade.seriously tho,jls they love that,tahts only one pint trhen theres another one alittle lkater on.i used hate my name type of conversation tahts all feelings.soccers on one channel american pie bandcamp is on another one eye and theres a lot of walking going on in this period.good afternoon or good evening in your case.do you want a tape do you want a kiss,yes on the lips?well it was a hell of a legacy-some horrible fucker will like taht.i see horrible ghowls everywhere i go in cork in limerick demented looking bastards-chin up.

    fair paly to you you read a whole insignificant article-i dont know what it all means-well i do-a refrain,i doubt therel be a second sleep today,smell like a bum like taht guy who steals feris bullers car,,like that-oh you werent allowed watch it wernt you-and look at you now making abscene remarks about a shitty jim jarmusch film on the internet-it was kinda shit but thats not the point.btntp.

    gone too far-is this an outlet,tehre was sex with cakes a while agfo-this guy seems to be having a mid life crisis since he ate his first mars and there are some grammar mistakes,but thats okay,are fellas attached to their mobile phones-is that spelt right spelt right-see what i did there-or it actuallly could be spelled.what a grand life we have.just a big long lull is right–off into infinity-everybody else is wrong great isnt the world-infinity-too hard kant.most people dont undewrstand scale they can only think one one or two levels then they have to stopare you a woman?asnyway,nervous now again.it was fine up till now but.no act.wonder what conceit would go firsti could delete all this i wopnt.well done to you-you must have nothing to do.maybe a walk and a cycle i have a lock.where is right-maybe east.someone is pouring himself cereal-,theres more-alpen?is there alpen in this house?still,id ate danny boy,so would i,are you going to finish that?ha?ham?give me that etc.did you know dennis brot is bread in german,brot is the greman for bread?brot is it danny boy ha-brot?we are not amused like.im living for all these highs and lows,three blankets what i call the ivory sheets wehn i feel like it.


    oh sheet((you can tell it s apoem its packed with meaning)and brackets)

    sheet of ivory

    how many pints did i have last night


    whats wrong with me normally id drink about eighteen pints(that by the way is no word of a lie)

    banned from the entire ville ill have to disguise myself as benjamin black to get back in.

    back to the poem anyway

    the protagonist

    whos name or politics i dont like unfollow you i will.o’donnell.пошлость

    exhausted-films overdue xtravision robbers-havent shaved in days,a month since i took a razor to my face above the neck-one fella said i look like a rat-his name is cillian and he has issues-problems with me-he doesnt understand my akido moves-also neither of us is going out with someone and hes an elitist sort of character.you live by the sword you die by the sword.this vanity crack-people photographing their own heads-most of them are idiots-they were idiots in school and idtz n.

    sending me on links that dont work-stuff a cat wouldnt do-suspicious stuff and fella sent me on a pornstar that was the hear of off donal dineen-in action like-redtube.i tend to finish long before the man and after am inclined to look out for my one-poor youngone shed want to cop on a small bit and not be making auld porns.they fourth wall is definitely gone now.ill go on-kaluza klein,an audience of one-wapping away.internet.friday saturday and sunday is pints an sleeping on couches and then monday fresh as a daisy not in the mood for music a sad depressing poem the worst one ever total wallop.is it only when clever people decide to tell the rest of us something that we know it

    likw the boooda in a way.

    vent,its really raining outside.look at my cds i am so eclectic this is my church eclecispalian
    time for tv3 news the elections are already over

  3. Ponyo Says:

    Ginsbergs alive, and leaving incoherent comments on blogs

  4. Eoin Says:


    I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that there is probably more than one reason why you’re having trouble getting a job.


  5. Des Says:

    Hey can I post my novel on here?

  6. Ponyo Says:


  7. dave Says:

    Years from now literary critics will still be picking over that blog comment from Strong Opinions 1973. But getting banned from an entire village is an achievement in itself!!

  8. jax Says:

    That is the mentalest blog comment I’ve ever read. Or tried to read i should say.

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