evening herald

“I’m loving these numbers”

New figures published this week show this magazine’s circulation holding steady at 36,898, down slightly on 36,938 last quarter. But when seasonal and other miscellaneous factors are allowed for, that amounts to an impressive 5,924,094 readers per month – an exceptionally strong performance in a country of just over four million people. (The balance is thought to be made up by immigrants and undercover al-Qaida operatives entering this jurisdiction illegally in order to read the trendy magazine.) Read the rest of this entry »

“The nets are looking great. The markings all seem to go in straight lines…”

I can’t think of a whole lot else to say to the guy. “There’d be some in this club wouldn’t think twice about playing a match after it pissing down for a fortnight,” he spits. “Then they want to know why the surfaces are cut to shit!” He sniggers bitterly. Read the rest of this article here.

“Yeah right. Last Irish box you saw the inside of had a number 5 on the lid…”

Went through the Magic Door, did he?

We both crease ourselves laughing.

“Special offer at Saver’s Supermarket, wha?” Read the rest of this article here.

This is funny [SECOND UPDATE]

Yay, Zach Galifianakis presents SNL for the second time this weekend. Last time he described his look to the audience as: Read the rest of this entry »

So I hear you’re a racist… Is this the new thing?

“Ah for Christ’s sake… Who told you?”

“I met Tina in Tescos the other night.” Read the full article here.

Of all the juice bars in all the world…

“Barkeep. Hit me with a Blueberry Burst – and don’t spare the blueberry!” Read the rest of this article here.

No, nay, never… freckle-boy

In the late 1990s, Amy Poehler was a sketch regular on Late Night With Conan O’Brien, playing sidekick Andy Richter’s little sister Stacy. It was basically the same bit, recycled over and over again. But somehow it managed never to stop being funny. Read the rest of this entry »

Mark E. Smith’s Guide to Writing

Via @glinner

Before I begin, I’d like to address a few words to the Garda Road Traffic Corps…

Officers, lads… I know we’ve had our differences. We’ve both said things that, in the light of day, we probably regret. But look what you’ve reduced me to. I’m using public transport. Dear God, hasn’t this madness gone far enough? Read the rest of this article here.

Wayne Coyne Battles the Bad Buzz Robots

Electric Picnic 2005. I had only a couple of minutes notice I’d be talking to Wayne Coyne. No time to prepare questions. So I got to thinking, you know, the guy is always so insanely happy. Wouldn’t it be funny if I just tried to depress the shit out of him. So I tried. Did it work? Well… Read the rest of this article here.