stoneybatter

Those last minute Leaving Cert revision tips in brief…

The countdown to the Leaving Cert is almost at an end. A month from now, when 138,000 nervous students sit down for their first examination, they’ll know their chances of securing a university place, well-paid job, desirable home, attractive sexual partner and prospects of siring anything other than ugly, unintelligent children rest entirely on how they perform in the weeks ahead. Read the rest of this article.

“And for what? The muddled testimony of a henpecked chip shop owner?”

The palsied lies of his stubby-fingered wife? This SHOULD NOT be allowed to stand! This WILL NOT be allowed to stand! By God there will be JUSTICE for the CHIP SHOP FIVE!!! Read the rest of this article here.

“The proprietress peppers her conversation with jokes about my frequent drunkenness and occasional sexual incapacity…”

After some deliberation, I opt for the Oriental Fish Terrine, with an entrée of Melody of Seafood in a Light Thai Sauce. I toy with the idea of ordering an aperitif, until it is suggested – a little sharply, I reckon – that I have had enough to drink. Read the rest of this article here.

Those last minute Leaving Cert revision tips in brief…

The countdown to Leaving Cert 2010 is almost at an end. When 138,000 nervous students sit down for their first examination at 9.30pm on June 6th, they’ll know their chances of securing a coveted university place, well-paid job, desirable home, attractive sexual partner and prospect of siring anything other than ugly, unintelligent children depend entirely on how they perform in the weeks ahead. Read the rest of this article.

They called it ‘perhaps the most shameful night in our community’s history…’

But what about that time the handicapped boy was locked in a phone box and he pissed himself? What about then?? Read the rest of this article here.

True Romance

Valentine’s Day is almost upon us. I’ve got a piece about something or other in the Irish Times on Saturday (I’ve almost succeeded in forgetting now). In the mean time though, here’s the most unashamedly romantic thing I’ve ever written, the most unabashedly unromantic thing I’ve ever written and the greatest love song ever recorded. Read the rest of this entry »

I’M AN IDEAS MAN

Ideas are my currency. If I’m in a clothes shop and I find a pair of pants I like, I’ll walk up to the counter and suggest the names of some songs that might make good ringtones. For two weeks in the Canaries I’d probably stump up the basis for a workable post-war settlement in Iraq. If I’m owed change, I’ll ask the travel agent how he gets the pistachios out of the closed shells and be on my way. That’s how it works. Read the rest of this entry here.

FREE THE CHIP SHOP FIVE!

A grave injustice has been done. Five young men have been punished for a crime they had very little to do with. Barred for life from Marco’s Take Away in Stoneybatter (the fast food outlet of choice for a new generation), tut-tutted at by every pain-in-the-hole auld one in a two mile radius, and for what? The muddled testimony of a henpecked chip shop owner? The palsied lies of his stubby-fingered wife? Read the rest of this article here.

POSTCARDS FROM THE HEDGE

I was perusing the Sunday papers the other day (it might have been Sunday, now that I think of it), when something dawned on me. I hate the Sunday papers. The first six days of the week, newspaper articles tend to follow the format: ‘Brian Cowan has announced…’, ‘Sources in Ballyjamesduff report…’ or ‘Grave robbers in Timbuktu have stolen…’ Read the rest of this entry »

THOSE LAST MINUTE LEAVING CERT TIPS IN BRIEF…

The countdown to Leaving Cert 2010 is into its final weeks now. When 138,000 nervous students sit down for their first examination at 9.30pm on June 6th, they’ll know their chances of securing a coveted university place, well-paid job, desirable home, attractive sexual partner and prospect of siring anything other than ugly, unintelligent children depend entirely on how they perform in the fortnight ahead. Read the rest of this article.